Pain

I have hurt myself a lot.

I am clumsy.

I deal all right with the pain of an instantaneous fracture, or cutting myself on a broken bottle. But last week something happened that drove me insane.

I got a headache. Again, this is not new. But this was the worst headache I think I have ever had. It accompanied some sort of flu and made me so sick to my stomach, so intensely uncomfortable that I could not sleep, eat, or even think.

I have never felt something like this before. It took the hospital, some IV's, and both narcotic and non narcotic pain killers to make it possible for me to relax enough to sleep.

That being said, on the other side of it all there are some realizations. And that is that torture works.

I would have literally done anything to make the pain stop. If someone had of told me that cutting off my hand would ease the pain, I probably would. I did not think about anything. Seriously I thought about nothing but ending the pain.

Right before the hospital I had decided that I should shoot myself and end the pain.

Kurt Cobain reportedly did just that.

I think we underestimate what true pain is. I am never going to think about torture, or about people who suffer from chronic pain in the same way ever again. Because we may think we are tough, resolute, and in control. But I know it does not take very much to tip the balance.

I guess it is a sort of "there but for the grace of God" realization for me. Since I have had pain before, from sore muscles through broken bones, even migraines and surgeries, I thought I understood what pain was. And I totally felt that people are wimps.

No more.

Holiday Spirit

So... I come out of the grocery store...

I am, as is my way, singing. I often sing to myself. Sometimes I sing that the weather outside is weather, and sometimes I sing various obscure verses of If You're Happy and You Know It. (Kill a llama).

Today in keeping with the season I was singing Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

When what should my wondering eyes behold, but a tiny small woman all wrinkled and old. She looked up at me and said, "Sing it baby, sing it!" So I did. And she joined in.

The Christmas spirit is something I wish we could capture and bottle. There is a sort of zest for life, an enjoyment of all things large and small, that I love. I wish we all decorated our houses each week for some reason or another. I wish there were more feasts. I think every day needs a mascot of some sort. Perhaps not a jolly old elf or nappy bunny, these things seem taken.... but you get the idea.

Why don't we all try to live a little larger all the time? Why don't we try to celebrate the normal things. Heck, you can even sing when you are grocery shopping at the top of your lungs. People look at you funny. But some smile. It is worth it.