Becoming ME

I am not sure when it happens for most people - probably around five years old we begin to differentiate - to become someone other than an extension of our parents. But then it all slides into societal expectations, status seeking and even employment norms.

I mean, I rebelled, I really did. I was a punk with a pierced ear and a green mohawk. I wore black clothes and a dog collar before EMO even existed. When everyone pierced their ear again, I got two, then three.... and I was unique... Except... Looking back now I realize I was rebelling along a pre-determined track. I was not being original, I was being like my group of friends who were trying to intentionally not fit in because we thought the system was broken. How original. We all dressed alike and listened to the same music, we all ran away from home and experimented with the same drugs. We were SO unique.

As an adult I look at kids and see the same thing happening - them asserting independence by copying. Which is what we all do. We act a certain way to get friends, we answer questions a certain way to get good test scores, we work a certain way to get the money we need to survive... we fit in. Even if it is fitting in the way we actually want to.

If you are lucky, as I am, you tend to gravitate to certain people who see the world from your vantage point. I am a broken person who has dealt with a lot of pain - and I often find myself in the company of those who have loved and lost at most of life. We get each other.

I write and paint and think. That is what I do with my time. So I tend to find myself with other people who are creative thinkers and artists of one sort or another.

But I am closer to death than to birth.

And I still wonder who I am.

Does that ever go away? Do we ever break through the years of conditioning and the years of experience, the peer pressure and hard knocks that have sculpted us? Michelangelo famously described sculpting as releasing the beauty trapped within - and yes I am paraphrasing - so how do do that for ourselves?

Take a long hard look. I know certain truths even if I cannot always explain the psychological processes behind them. For example I love tattoos and piercings. It is just something I am drawn to. I used to only wear Doc Martins and Sandals. I need to go back to that (and Blundstones in the winter) I really love Rum. If I could be any historical person it would be Captain Jack Sparrow. I love to investigate, to see new things, to marvel at the beauty in a starscape. Science Fiction is my creative edge - it makes me think and dream. I always wanted to scuba dive and go to outer space - perhaps for the same sense of exploration. Which is also why I will hop into the car and drive for hours.

I am shy and yet I am outgoing. I am faithful to my friends yet I take unnecessary risks. I love to feel like I am in danger. Almost nothing in the world is black and white to me - and yet when I find something I like I stubbornly cling to it. I really don't care if I make money, I would rather do something new. I just want the money to get the rum, good restaurants, gas for the car, stuff for the ones I love, and trips to Disney.

My thinking has changed and evolved as life goes on - I do not believe there are only two sexual preferences, homo and hetero, I do not believe that love is finite and you can only feel it for one person, I do not believe that someone can or should be just like you.

Now - here is the catch - I do not know if any of that is me - or just the fallout of a lifetime of trying to do what people think I should do, be who people think I should be, live as society expects. You see, even the rebellious stuff might just be me rebelling in the way I think I should, who knows?

But I am trying. Every day I am trying. Trying to find me, trying to let go of others viewpoints, trying to believe that I am this way on purpose and it is a good thing.

I think we all should. Take some time and think about what you like and why. Separate the wheat from the chaff so to speak and be more authentically you. That is who you were intended to be and it is only then that we can find what we have been searching for.  Good Luck!